Sex (or should I say lack of it) is one of the big frustrations of married men. One reason is we don't plan for it. We've fallen into the romantic-fantasy mindset that it should be spontaneous—it should just happen. We certainly don't make our daily schedule around it. Below is what has been my weekday schedule for most of my married life:
I'd get home from
work about 7 every evening; eat supper; and then...whatever. I'm a
natural night owl, so staying up till midnight was never a problem.
Often I stayed up till well after midnight, because I was so
engrossed in what I was doing—reading, television, browsing the
internet, or my latest project.
I'd go to bed at
midnight (or later) and awoke to the alarm clock at 7:30 in the
morning. With only a half hour to shower, shave, and dress before I
hit the road for work at 8:00.
At 7:00 PM I'd be
back home again, and the cycle would repeat. Even though that 5 hour
block seems like a lot of time, the reality is (1) I was trying to
cram too much into it, because it was my only free time, and (2) I
often ended up wasting my time on useless pursuits like television,
because I was tired when I came home and just wanted to crash.
I came to realize
that there was no time in my daily schedule where intimacy with my
wife was convenient (much less routine). Intimacy was more like
something that intruded on my (and our) schedule. So, earlier this
year I made changed my schedule.
I still come home at
7:00, but I've limited that block of home time to 2 hours. I eat and
then do...whatever—talk to my wife, do a few chores, pay
At 9:00 I got to
bed. That's right—bed. Notice I didn't say sleep though. What I
actually do is go get a quick shower, shave, and brush my teeth. By
9:15 I'm in bed reading.
At 10:00 I got to
sleep. Lights out, head on the pillow sleep.
At 5:30 I'm up, and
because I actually got enough sleep getting up is not difficult. I
use this two hour block of time for those projects and interests I
used to stay up after midnight working on.
At 7:30 it's shower
etc. and off to work.
How has this
affected my sex life? My wife has started conforming her schedule to
mine. She's getting in bed at 9 also, which has made physical
intimacy easy, convenient, and...routine.
Morning intimacy has
also started happening (something that never happened on my old
schedule). With fewer distractions in the morning (who watches TV at
6:00 AM?) there's more time for everything else—including sex.
Am I saying this
schedule is the right one for everyone? No. What I am saying is to
take a look at your current schedule and see if it contains any
roadblocks or patterns that make regular sex with your wife
inconvenient. If sex with your wife is a priority in your life,
shouldn't your daily schedule reflect that priority?