So What If He Lives In His Mom's Basement?

I don't buy into the stereotype of young men being lazy and refusing to grow up; choosing instead to live in their mom's basement and play video games all day. The stereotype is not as common as the detractors make it out to be, and reality is much more complicated. But, for argument's sake, let's grant for the moment that the stereotype is true. In which case, I would like to ask these men's detractors a question: so what?

Who is Discouraging Women From STEM Careers?

I was reading an article at Matt Walsh's blog¹ where he pointed out that women don't have it worse than men. One of the comments² caught my eye:

However, one thing about the .77 dollar argument that bears investigation is why women are underrepresented in the STEM professions, which tend to be the highest-paying professions. Studies have consistently revealed that girls are discouraged in math and science classrooms.

Having worked in a STEM field (computer programming) for over a quarter of a century, I found the idea that girls are discouraged from entering STEM fields to be curious. It certainly didn't line up with my experience in the industry. Schools have been pushing girls into math and science, not discouraging them. In my experience technology companies have been bending over backwards and jumping through hoops to get more women into IT (information technology). From programs aimed at getting high school students involved in technology to hiring decisions, there has always been a blunt, out-in-the-open emphasis on getting more women into IT.

So, if it's not “the patriarchy” pushing women down and denying them a chance to enter technology fields, what does account for women being underrepresented in technology fields? After a little research into personality types and career fields, I think I found the answer.

Overt Confidence is the Alpha Key

Which of the following people would you be most likely to follow:

1. An inept man who was outwardly overconfident in his abilities
2. A competent man who was humble about his abilities

I'm sure most people picked #2. We all like to think we would make the smart choice, but according to research done by Cameron Anderson² the choice most people make is #1. And it's not even close, the overwhelming majority of people prefered the inept overconfident guy.

Is the Cube Farm the Meaning of Life?

I read an article describing a woman who was raising her daughter to be a mother—to marry young to a good man, have children, and spend her life raising her children.¹ The criticism of her was blistering. One theme continually popped up in comments: how can you waste your daughter's potential?

Potential? Potential to be what, exactly? A doctor, lawyer, or CEO; one of life's movers and shakers. There are a couple of problems with that attitude. For one, those types of careers are few and far between. Secondly, for most people (man or woman) the meaning of life won't be found on the job—it will be found at home in their families and in God.

How a Woman Can “Have It All”

In an earlier post¹⁰, I noted the modern feminist meme of women having it all. Unfortunately, not only does the feminist plan ensure women don't “have it all,” it ensures what they do have will be royally screwed up. From a man's perspective, this means they are awful (inferior, substandard, flawed) wife material.

Here is a different plan. One that allows women to achieve life's major goals and still be good choices as wives.

PAC-Man: The Passive-Aggressive Christian Man

Dr. Paul Glover, in his 2003 book No More Mr. Nice Guy, says nice guys are dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, attracted to people that need fixing, and full of rage; they have difficulty setting boundaries and problems with intimate relationships; they fear conflict, blame others for their problems, fail to live up to their potential, and give to get.

Dr. Scott Wetzler, in his 1992 book Living With the Passive-Aggressive Male, says passive-aggressive men are dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, attracted to people that need fixing, and full of rage; they have difficulty setting boundaries and problems with intimate relationships; they fear conflict, blame others for their problems, fail to live up to their potential, and give to get.

Glover states “Nice guys are passive-aggressive.” Wetzler states “...passive-aggressive men negotiate the world as 'nice guys' denying even the slightest hint of hostility or conflict.”

This is not a coincidence. Being a nice guy and being a passive aggressive man go hand in hand. Glover's and Wetzler's books are eerily similar. Even though their subjects are different and the approach from opposite directions, you can't help but get the feeling that they are describing the same person—because they are.

It's no secret that the modern Christian church has become a nice guy factory. What people have failed to realize is that it has also become a factory for producing passive-aggressive men. The nice guy personality turned out by churches is the one described in the above books—the one that goes hand in hand with being passive-aggressive.

Courage vs Confidence

Courage is the opposite of cowardice; confidence is the opposite of uncertainty.

Courage and cowardice are antonyms—they mean the opposite of each other. They both deal with how you handle fear.

Confidence and uncertainty antonyms—they mean the opposite of each other. They both deal with how you handle doubt.

Presentation Matters

Recently, I've noticed another round in the debate between just-be-yourself and craft-your-image; between what is known as inner-game and outer-game. The inner-game argument is that you should not present yourself as something you are not. A reasonable argument, but it is then taken to the extreme. The argument is being made that you should only focus on your inner qualities. Don't worry about your outer qualities—your image, because your inner qualities will shine out and people will see you for your true self. It's a nice theory, but it doesn't work in the real world.

The Myth of the Egalitarian Marriage

My wife and I are equals. We share in all the decision making. Neither of us is the leader of the other.

The egalitarian view sounds so lovely. Two people living together in harmony. Neither having more authority in the relationship than the other and neither having more responsibility in the relationship than the other. Unfortunately, it's merely a utopian vision, because when a crisis occurs (when the metaphorical shit hits the fan) the egalitarian model breaks down.

Consider this scenario:

A married couple along with their two children are driving home from a weekend trip. As they round the corner their home comes into view. There are firetrucks and flashing lights. They simultaneously realize that their house has burned to the ground. One spouse emotionally melts down; turns to the other spouse; and with tears in their eyes and panic in their voice screams: “Oh my God! What are we going to do? Tell me, what are we going to do?”

Which spouse had the emotional meltdown?

Men, You Are the Prize

This is a letter I composed for a friend who's dealings with women over the years has caused him little but grief. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Luke,

I've heard once again hat you've had problems with a woman. I can relate to that. Recently, I've come to realize something:

In any relationship between a man and a woman, the woman is not the prize—the man is the prize.

When Pastors Lie

58% of evangelical leaders say tithing is not required of Christians.

That was the result of a survey done by the NAE (National Association of Evangelicals) of their members¹ (members here refers to the leaders of the various churches that belong to the NAE—the pastors who actually run the church). When was the last time you heard an evangelical church preach that tithing wasn't required? I can't think of a single instance. Every sermon I've heard on tithing has maintained that not only is tithing required, but to not tithe was the same as robbing God—a literal sin. The conclusion is obvious:

Jesus Said Follow Me

There are a plethora of phrases people use to describe their relationship with God: I am saved; I've given my soul to Christ; I love Jesus; I am a bride of Christ; I have placed my faith in Christ; I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ; or I'm born again.

I would like to suggest a simpler one; one found repeatedly in the Bible; one Jesus himself used:

     I follow Jesus Christ.

Women Who Live Life in Reverse

When considering a woman as a wife, it's vital to understand how she views the various stages in her life and how she thinks they will play out over time, because her choices will affect how your life will play out also.

The modern feminist plan for how these years should be structured goes something like this:

A Christmas Carol on Marriage

There is a lot of hand wringing (particularly in Christian circles) over why young men today aren't marrying. The answer can be found in the classic A Christmas Carol, which contains a clear example of why men used to marry.

The Wife from Proverbs 5

When the wife from Proverbs is discussed, the one from Proverbs 31 jumps to everyone's mind. But, I want to talk about another wife—the wife from Proverbs 5.

Jesus Was Dangerous

Jesus wasn't crucified because he was a nice guy. He was crucified because the powers that be were afraid of him. He challenged them. He called them out and called them names. He refused to play along with their rules. He could not be controlled.

Miscarriage Rates (NMAWOT)

When people discuss the difficulties of women over 30 having a child, the focus is always on fertility rates—how easy (or hard) it is for a woman to actually get pregnant. That's only part of the story. You also have to consider the ability of a woman to carry the child to term. The chart below shows the miscarriage rates for women by age¹.

Gentle, Not Meek

Blessed [are] the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. (Mt 5:5 AV)

Christian men are taught not only to be meek, but that it is a sin to act otherwise. The problem is the modern definition of meek. Look up meek in a recent dictionary, and this is what you find:

Easily imposed on; submissive in disposition or nature; spineless or spiritless; compliant; tame; humble and not likely to complain, argue, or react strongly; deficient in spirit and courage; an obsolete word for gentle.

Notice the last definition: “an obsolete word for gentle.” The 1828 version of Webster's dictionary defines meek in this way:

Your Gifts Were Given to You, Not Your Pastor

Years ago our church choir had a guest soloist—a member of the church who normally didn't sing. He had a fantastic singing voice. When he was done the music leader said: “wasn't Dave great; can you believe he's been hiding his gift under a basket instead being part of the choir?” It was an obvious attempt to shame Dave into joining the choir.


God has given us all certain gifts—gifts to be used for the glory of God. Rather than talk about the nature of those gifts, I'd like to talk about a concept that appears along side them in the Bible: the body of Christ.

Marriage is Optional for Christians

There is tremendous pressure on Christian males to marry. Some suggest Christian men have an obligation to marry, and that those who don't are falling short of God's plan. Widespread in Christian culture is a feeling that there is something wrong with a man that doesn't marry, as is evidenced by this quote from a book endorsed by the Southern Baptist Convention leadership: